


Wayne Manor: God Save Us All

by Sliver_Tail



Series: Manor Mayhem [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Batfam being the little shits they all are, Gen, Mild Language, Pranks taken to the extreme, silly and fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:29:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24557695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sliver_Tail/pseuds/Sliver_Tail
Summary: Dick tells Damian and Jason to stop their murder attempts on Tim.Well, he got what he asked for, but he still regrets asking for it.Or: Tim is terrifying, Dick is done, Bruce is purposely avoiding Gotham, Cass is above it all, Jason is a little shit, and Damian's quench for vengeance is insatiable.
Series: Manor Mayhem [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1774978
Comments: 8
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all find this somewhat amusing at least.
> 
> Enjoy~!

It started when Dick told Jason and Damian off for their continued attempts to murder Tim.  
“Guys. Knock it off already. One more attempt and I’ll come over to kick your ass myself, even if I’m in space. Got it?” 

Normally Damian would concede after valiantly arguing his point, however, he caught the glint of determination in Jason’s eyes and refrained, if only barely. 

“Fine, no more attempts at murder. But,” Jason spoke up, bringing Dick’s narrowed stare upon him, “no promises to stop bothering him in general.” 

Dick sighed in aquisance, “Alright.” He started walking to his motorbike, “Keep it to normal sibling pranks!” He shouted, driving off. He mentioned earlier that he had a drug ring in Bludhaven to finally wrap up. 

“What are you planning, Todd?” Damian asked, scowling up at the taller male.  
Jason smirked, “Let’s go to the playground, brat.”  
“Tsk, I am not an infant, Todd.”  
“Trust me, I’m painfully aware of that, demon.” 

“Why do you need the pavement?” Damian asked bewildered, “And why do I have to retrieve it for you?”  
“We need it for the replacement. And those mothers are already giving me death stares, so chop chop, brat.”  
“They are not wrong for doing so, Todd.”  
“Fuck off already.” 

Damian worked at scratching away at the soft material of the playground pavement unaware of Jason filming him and talking to the parents who came up to him asking what in the world that child was doing. A determined little scowl was upon his face as he made an effort to gently tell off the other children who approached him, well as gently as someone like himself could manage. 

“Tha loos fun!” A child, no more than five shouted, succeeding in almost making Damian’s ears bleed, as the words were attempted to be whispered into his ear, but instead came out like a banshee’s cry. 

“Leave, you degenerative fetus.” 

The child smiled at him, “I can play?” He asked, and Damian was so very close to punting the thing across the yard, barely refraining due to the audience. Namely, Todd who was watching with a cheshire’s grin, surrounded by cooing parents. It was vile and Damian felt the need to clean himself using sandpaper. 

“Yes.” He gritted out, “You may join me in my conquest to humiliate Drake.” He stabbed at the floor, “And then, we can annihilate the other family embarrassment.” 

The simple-minded child only giggled, “Fun!” 

Others soon joined in. Todd didn’t give Damian an amount to retrieve, so he’ll just strip this wretched place of all it has. The children were incredibly stupid, but it wasn’t shocking to the 11 year old, this was the result of the American education system. But it didn’t matter. The best minions are the dim-witted ones, after all. 

Meanwhile, Jason was having a good time. “Oh, yeah, my little brother is weird like that. Sometimes he collects stuff and tries to eat it,” His adult audience gasped in disgust and shock. “Don’t worry though, I’m not letting him eat this.” 

Some of the mothers cooed at him, “It’s so sweet that you’re watching your brother like this.”  
Jason grinned, “Yeah, well he’s my brother. Do you want to arrange a playdate with him and your kids? Dami told me he didn’t have enough friends.” 

“Oh, what a good idea! They seem to be getting along!” 

Soon afterwards, more than half of the pavement was scratched out by the horde of children Damian wielded like the heir to the League of Shadows he was. They had to stop because police came in to stop further damages to public property. Damian thinks he was helping this city out by ruining this place of gathering for its dolts. Perhaps they would spend more time studying now. 

Jason drove them back to the manor, fiddling with his phone while driving to the severe disapproval of the boy. 

“You truly believe yourself to be competent enough to text and drive.” He commented dryly.  
“Hell yeah, I am.” Jason smirked. “Besides, I made plans for ya.” He refused to divulge those plans, however. 

Later that day, a video of Damian and a bunch of children digging into the pavement was posted online by Jason Todd-Wayne. 

Itchywasp: There’s literally a sandbox right there. lol  
DucklyDuck: Ah, true siblings. Taking evidence for the Gotham Parks and Rec Department.  
@@@@: I’ve stopped questioning the Wayne fam. Better for my sanity  
GermanChick: Y does he look so pissed????  
ImThatBiatch: No one's gonna comment on the army of children Damian somehow brought together? Tf

Damian left Todd to it with the pavement to do who knows what with it. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tim was tired and had an online conference with the French division of Wayne Enterprises in 40 minutes. A cup or two of liquid energy should be enough to hold him over and kickstart his brain to remembering the French. The Language, so he could speak it. Yeah. coffee now, deep thoughts later. He dumped three large tablespoons of the coffee grounds into the machine and poured all the water the machine could hold and started drafting work emails while he waited. Soon after the machine spluttered he walked out. 

He came back to the horrific smell of burnt rubber and a ruined coffee machine. Looking into it, he found out that the coffee wasn’t actually coffee but black flecks of rubber mixed in with ground coffee. And there were only two assholes who’d ruin Tim’s day like this. 

Oh. It’s on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim gets his revenge.

Three days ago, Bruce had walked into the kitchen seeking out the smell of burnt rubber and entered to the sight of Tim throwing the entire coffee maker into the trash. 

“Uh.” Bruce started eloquently, “I need that.”  
“Non.” Tim responded. And was that French? Bruce knew 7am was early, but to imagine Tim speaki-  
“Je suis fatigué with vos children.” Tim continued and apparently Bruce wasn’t imagining anything. “Pays de shit.” 

…

Bruce needed coffee. He pulled the machine out of the trash only to see why it needed to be thrown out. Sometimes, he really wished he stayed in the Monk monastery and never bothered coming back to Gotham. 

“Your-!” Tim shouted, walking out. 

And… he didn’t finish the sentence. 

Okay then, he’ll take that trip to Canada after all. He’ll check amazon for a coffee machine replacement when he’s safely away from whatever this situation is about to become. Dick can handle it. And they always had Cassandra as a Hail Mary. She was super effective at cutting through her brother’s bullshit. They got this. It’ll be fine. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tim held back on actually doing anything to Damian and Jason for a few days. The stress it gives to your victims to wait and wait with no idea when or exactly what the consequences of their actions would be was important for the perfect delivery of a prank. A good strategy for torturing a prisoner too, but alas, it’s not proper to hold your adopted siblings against their will. Tim doubted other people had people like Damian and Jason as siblings though. 

Jason, the asshole he was, only waggled his eyebrows and smirked challengingly at Tim every time they met. He’s going to wish he went with Roy and Kory on that mission to the Philippines. 

About a day ago he was making headway into his payback for Damian when Dick walked into the room doing a double take. 

“What is that smell, Tim?!” Dick asked, disgusted and horrified. 

“Don’t you know, Dick? It’s the sweet smell of revenge.” 

“Yeah, no. Bad Timmy. Give that here.” Dick made a grab for it, but Tim just dashed away and was now completing it in the safety of one of his safehouses. Taking breaks, he stalked Jason’s social media accounts; it was how he discovered where the rubber flecks came from. 

It was also where he found a clip of Damian’s playdate with the same kids from the park. And boy, did the kid look so close to committing homicide and fratricide. It’ll be easy to persuade Damian to join the cause of putting Jason down a peg or two. But after Tim punishes the little demon brat. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damian had finished his little meeting with the minions. At first it was a great insult to him when Todd dragged him to this “playdate” but it turned out to be of incredible value and now he could regularly meet up with the daft children with the perfect cover. All thanks to Todd. The buffoon has no idea the weapon he’s given Damian and he will regret using him as some common cattle. 

Getting on the public bus, Damian was forced to take the least strategic place on the bus in the middle. Pennyworth went with Father to Canada so this was his best option. 

“No, Dami. Take the bus. You can’t take the Lamborghini.” Dick had said, taking the keys out of Damian’s hands. He was so close that time. 

How humiliating. 

To occupy the time, Damian pulled out his sketchbook from his bag, lest he be forced to get into a staring match with the elderly woman. Some people don’t know their place. Opening the book he got hit in the face with wet splatters as a machine whirled away and exploded, bombarding the occupants on the bus. Screams and curses sounding off. 

It was the smell that hit him that had him almost vomiting; he knew that smell. Opening his eyes again, he stared down in his book that turned out to be a decoy. Brown splattered the bus entirely. Batcow’s feces had been flung around like pieces of shrapnel. He ignored the young man who actually did vomit, adding to the very unpleasant aroma of the bus. 

Drake. That utter inbred fool. 

“I knew you were up to something, you whippersnapper piece of shit!” The elderly woman struggled to get up, cane on hand. And Damian had to make a retreat because hitting the elderly was severely looked down upon. 

The woman slipped on a lone piece of the cow poop, “OW! My hip!” and creative curses that only a Gothamite could say with so much gusto was all Damian heard before he was too far away to hear more. The people he ran by shouted insults at him. 

“Take a shower, hobo!”  
“FUCK ME SIDEWAYS! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!” 

Getting home by jogging and seething, practically foaming at the mouth, he later found out that both Todd and Drake had been posting humiliating videos and pictures of him. The latest of which was footage of the bus incident on Drake’s account. 

@@@@: See! This shit is exactly why I’ve stopped questioning that family!  
ImThatBiatch: Yeah, that shit ain’t pleasant. Pun INteNdED  
SweetMercyOfDeath: Can’t he get arrested for this?  
WayneWhore: You do realize what family this is, right?????  
Jason Todd-Wayne: This is some quality stuff. Good job, Timbo.  
Tim Drake-Wayne: You’re next, punk.  
Jason Todd-Wayne: “Angry people are not always wise.”  
Tim Drake-Wayne: Don’t think quoting Jane Austin at me will somehow save you  
WayneWhore: YiKeS  
Jason Todd-Wayne: Bring it on, illiterate caffeine junkie 

Damian was not going to be taking this lying down. Those two will regret this. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Jason, Tim decided to do something special for him. He scoured the internet to find it but eventually he did. With it he was able to custom order a book composed of mini fics people have put online about Jason’s favorite books. Some of them had gained a reputation such as My Immortal or The Sorting Hat’s Love. Some were some of the most awful pieces of erotica this planet has ever witnessed. All of them were horrible with enough grammatical errors and cringey dialogue to make someone like Jason have a conniption fit. 

Tim knew that Jason could just easily ignore his gift, but Tim was a rich bastard so he paid some voice actors to record the dialogue and paid people to narrate. He pitied them. He ordered about a thousand copies of the book, just because he could and he knows a good portion of them will end up burned or in the ocean. Maybe even used for target practice. 

It was the perfect revenge for the literature nerd that was Jason Todd. Torture via horrible writing and the inability to escape it. Delightful. 

After sending fifty copies of the book to every safe-house Jason owned, hiding them in every nook and cranny and placing some in plain sight, he spammed all of Jason’s cellphones, laptops, and earpiece comms with the podfics, rendering each device useless. 

It took two days before Jason cracked and delivered every book and infected piece of tech he owned into a big pile he burned in Tim’s apartment, nearly starting a fire. On his way out, Jason took some of Tim’s mission files but what Jason didn’t know was that Tim had those copied several times over. The older boy could be so predictable sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tim: I am tired with your children. Country of shit.  
> Bruce: Time to get the fuck outta dodge. ALFRED!
> 
> Also, if you want to torture yourself, check those two fics out. They aren't made up.   
> Both are Harry Potter fanfics


	3. Chapter 3

Todd had an addiction to girl scout cookies. How convenient that Todd ensured that he had many children in his army. It’d be a waste not to take advantage. So, Damian did. And if he added a little something else to the cookies? That’s on a need-to-know basis only he qualified for. 

Jason was humming to himself, cleaning his guns out. He was in a good mood. A knock on the door had him tense and prepared to shoot. He answered the door, gun out and pointed where the average person’s chest would be. A startled scream was the response. He looked down and oh, shit. That was a whole ass child! 

He pulled the gun away as if burned. He was holding the gun right at the kid’s forehead. Fuck.   
“Oh, shit!”   
Yeah, this was going great. The girls were now wailing. Why were these kids knocking on his damn door?! Didn’t they know this was Gotham?   
His nosy neighbor next door stuck their head out, “Wow, color me impressed, Peter!”   
Jason barely stopped himself from shooting both those twig legs out from under him and gritting his teeth he replied, “Please help.” 

Making kids cry sucks. Only if they were Tim and Damian was it enjoyable. 

Once the girls got settled down, they handed him a clipboard to sign. And great, not only did Jason pull a gun on three girls, but they were also girl scouts trying to sell cookies. He loved girl scout cookies. And Jason had to be imagining the smug glint in those teary eyes as he signed a large order for fifty boxes. The diabetes would be worth it if he could make up for traumatizing them. 

Sending them away and sending a fierce glare to his cocky neighbor, “Sooooo…. Are we gonna talk about that gun?” 

Jason slammed the door. He didn’t have to explain jackshit to anyone. The asshole thought he could make fun of him after hearing Tim’s shitty porno fics on speaker. 

The next day, another group of girls knocked on his door. And shit, the girl he aimed his gun at was with them. He guiltily signed for another order of 10 boxes. When for the third day in row those girls came by, he understood that he underestimated the conniving tactics of girl scouts. Signing again for an order of five boxes, hoping that his passive aggressiveness was coming through, he packed up and moved to another safehouse. 

Only to come to the discovery that there was no escape from those big eyes used as a weapon mercilessly to guilt trip him. They tracked him down better than the Bat on a rampage ever had and knocked on his safehouses without fail for an entire week. He moved locations five times. By the end of the week he ordered 145 boxes of cookies. Hell if he knew what he’d do with all of that. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Todd was a fool whose addiction to the cookies was easily exploited. Within a week of having his minions, only the girls of course, visit any and all of Todd’s safehouses, Damian had amassed over 500 dollars. 

Of course a certain percentage would go towards his dedicated workers, they dealt with Todd after all, that is certainly an exhausting endeavor to undertake and it would be a mistake of him to not reward their hard work. The rest of the proceeds would go towards his tormentation plans for Drake. That one required a special kind of hell. 

Father should be very proud of the business ethic Damian employed to this vengeance. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now for Damian’s revenge on Tim. He used some old connections from the League of Shadows to order falsified DNA records. Those records state that Tim had 15 kids running around. Interestingly, all of those kids were Damian’s minions. He sold the information anonymously to Vicki Vale and sat back to watch the entertainment as Tim suddenly found himself bombarded with paparazzi and leaving the older boy to try to use rationalization to escape. 

“Tomas Stone is the same age as me, Ms. Vale. How anyone could confuse us for being a parent and child escapes me.” Tim offered his public smile, but Vicki Vale was a shark who smelt blood. 

“Well, we all know the advancements in technology and science these days could make such a logical rationale void these days.” 

And Tim was barely able to stop himself from choking the woman. 

“So, the age of all of their mothers are about the same age as Bruce. Anything you’d like to comment on that.” 

“Women of any age deserve love, but I’m afraid I’ve given them nothing.” 

“... Am I understanding this, correctly?” Vicki asked, a smile widening, “There've been other women like them, but not these ones specifically?” 

Tim’s eyes widening in an “oh-shit-I-said-that-no-wait” moment was a feast for Damian. It took a week before Tim was able to get Oracle on his corner, providing proof that none of the 15 children were his, he’s never had sex with any of the mothers, one of which was strangely insist that they did, and finally stopped the paparazzi mess. 

Cougar: Honey, I’m always available for you ;)  
Jason Todd-Wayne: Doesn’t have his phone on him now, but he’s VERY interested  
Tim Drake-Wayne: … I’ll have to decline. Jason stop lying.   
Jason Todd-Wayne: Sorry miss, this is Tim here. Where do u wanna meet up? ;)  
Tim Drake-Wayne: You’re a dead man  
Jason Todd-Wayne: Already am, Timbo  
Cougar: Yeah, maybe not then. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That same week was when Jason had decided to eat two boxes of cookies before patrol. Suffice to say, he didn’t get to go on patrol that day, stuck to the toilet that he was. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dick was pretty much done with his younger siblings. Except Cass. She was always good, although he did wish the girl helped him out here a bit. It’s been two weeks since Bruce had gone over to Canada and boy, did Dick have a lecture to give to that man. 

The Manor had almost been burnt down several times during this prank war. And holy shit, this is NOT what Dick meant by “normal sibling pranks”. He’s only grateful that he hadn’t been dragged into this mess besides doing damage control. He was so glad for Bruce coming back. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You’re all off of patrol.” Bruce said to the horrified shock of his kids.   
“What?!”  
“I’m an adult, Bruce. You can suck it.”   
“Father, I understand Todd and Drake, however I protest being involved as well.”   
“You know what you did, hellspawn.”

Bruce smiled, “It was a prank.” His family only stared at him in silence before walking out, shell shocked. Dick was not glad anymore. 

“Oh my, Master Bruce.” Alfred commented in dismay. 

“I imagine the shock will take a few days to wear off.” Bruce laughed, “It’ll give us a break at the very least.” 

“Sir, do not doubt them.” Alfred warned, walking over to the lift. 

Bruce smiled in bemused resignation, “I’m not.” 

He turned back to the computer, looking for a mission that will take him out of Gotham for a few weeks. That should be enough time for them to get it out of their systems, right?

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the disgusting usernames. Social media is not my thing. I like being a hermit. xD
> 
> Comments, Kudos and/or bookmarks are appreciated! :D


End file.
